06-Sep-21
I'm so happy today and feel blissful(!), haven't really looked up that word yet for what it means but that's the word that's coming to my mind right now :D
What's causing it -- Could it be that song or the fact that I spoke to a friend after years or that I cooked a bit - I don't know that I can pinpoint one thing as a reason but don't even want to wonder about it any longer, just smiling and happy at the moment, and that's all that matters :D
Here's a glimpse into my day!
Woke up very very late :D haha yes, that's how my day started, late and lazy -- only because I didn't really have a plan for the day, except wanting to finish up personal work -- tracking accounts and reviews, online orders, (add to it -- lookup some more on cars on sale,) etc. So, brushed and went back to bed, stayed there and eventually got out of the room after 10 or so :)
And then, had a little chat with one of my friends, as I was getting freshened up and planning to go for a walk. Ended up upsetting him as I couldn't stay to chat and, can't call as he was too busy watching games!
As I was getting ready for a walk, it dawned on me that I slept late last night while on call with Vijay discussing about cars, and couldn't remember saying bye or dropping off the call. So, called him up, but hung up quickly as he was walking #Home (malayalam movie) with his parents.
And then spoke to mom for a while, pinged one of my college days friend checking to see if I can talk to him atleast this weekend. We had been telling each other that we'd call and catchup during weekend for few weeks already :D. And he also happens to be my only Rakhi brother (I still wonder about what drove me into tying Rakhi that day but he has been the only exception to my not wanting to tag people with relationships. On the other hand, I'm so happy and glad that it's HIM that I call my Rakhi brother (RB) forever:)) The more I think about it, it doesn't really matter either ways, as we would've still been all the same, when it comes to how we treat each other, and how much he cares for me.
So, I called him up as I locked the door behind me for a walk (yes, it was almost midday but the weather was great, bright but not hot as the cloud was just clearing up, and so I thought I could breathe some fresh air). I spoke to him a great deal about his friend he had introduced me to -- His friend is just as wonderful as him, and so is his wife! They are great people, and I'm forever thankful to my RB for introducing me to him. I'll have to dedicate a post on this couple as there's so much I can talk about them :) so that's for another day!
And with my friend, I was talking so much jumping from one topic to another, that I didn't realize I had finished my walk of around 2 miles. So I stayed out the apartment strolling around and then we talked some more :) This time about my Xs and my life... He needed to hear about me, for we had not really had a conversation in years. Guess, we were on call until around 2pm when we finally decided to take a break so he could get some sleep :) We resonate well with each other and don't ever need an explanation for anything! You just know he gets it, and can see things for what they are. Talking to him makes me be at peace with myself, and this time around, a reminder of who I had always been! Everytime I talk to him, there's a sense of calmness and silence in me. I shared so much today and he understands that I have absolutely no regrets about anything that has happened and I've put them behind. He understands that I've tried to do my part in dealing with people and trying to make things work, before letting them go! And there's so much that he spoke about and shared, and I'm very happy that I made that call and he chose to catch up with me as well:))
He kept quoting so much from his spiritual guru's words that I can relate to very well and makes me wonder why and when I started drifting away and do things I'm not really appreciative of!!
So, this time around, I have a slightest heartache, as I'm sort of slipping and giving up my time and self respect -- leaning towards something that may only bring me suffering in the end. He seems to understand my dilemma as well, and hints about what is okay and not okay by quoting about his other friends' life. If I have a question, he has my answers :)!
I know what I'm getting into and it's a conscious decision, but am I happy about it -- not quite because that's not me -- I'm trying to become someone that I am not (or was not!?). This is exactly what one of my well-wishers (happens to my X as well, haha :)) tell me -- that I'm not this person that I'm trying to become, and whatever I'm doing now will only hurt me in the end. Funnily enough, he can't see me falling for another guy and I couldn't bear to see him worry, that's why I had to keep this news away from him but yes, he knows now and hurt, but hey, I do what I want to do at the moment!! All said and done, I'm not too happy either doing what I'm doing these days -- falling for someone who doesn't seem to care much.
Off late, I've been doing only those that I don't really want to -- getting drunk more and more often, talk all nonsense and do things that I don't appreciate myself for, and spend time doing things that don't really matter!
I have a pile of things that I want to (& plan to) do, and been pushing them away for a long time now!! He (RB) comes as my reminder to focus again and do things that matter to me the most :)
I'm reminded of the days we used to chat during our college days and even after that! I guess I've always been at peace whenever we had had a chat :) I'm just glad I've known him :)
ok, been talking so much that I even forgot that I had placed an Amazon Fresh order, lol :) I received it shortly after I came home, so unpacked and stored the food items as I was talking to him (RB) :) After the call with him, I didn't feel like getting drunk. So, put away the wine cork opener with a smile that came along with the food items:)
And then, picked up all the old stock veggies and some fresh ones, made veggies hot n sour soup and sauteed paneer. Took me a while but feels good to be cooking after a while :D
And then between going for an evening walk and hairwash, I chose to go for a walk after hair wash, so applied neem leaves water and tea tree essential oil mix to my scalp and had a hair wash. And then went for a walk within the community space and came back.
Listened to Ilayaraja songs after a long time, and felt good :D I was reminded of my cousin who posts about Ilayaraja every now n then :) "Putham puthu kaalai Ponnira vaelai" -- this song so caught my attention today, I played it couple of times and enjoyed singing it. Looked up the old/new videos of this song and neither of them do any bit of justice. Listen to the song and you'll know that the song can give you a totally different impression as compared to the video. It's an expression of a girl who resonates with the nature and her ownself ,and the joy she feels within :) Beautiful voice and lyrics :) so, since then, it's this song and few other Ilayaraj songs that I've been listening to :D
And yes, had my soup for dinner, and also finishing up this chat :)
I'm happy but feel a bit of hurt somewhere within, need to work on it :D
Oh, by the way, he (you know who) had posted couple of status pics from his bike ride, and also changed his profile pic. Was really happy to see him share pics, and also had some wild thoughts looking at his status pic...lol, typical of me :D but then this time around, I held back my urge to comment on those pics as I start to wonder if he even expects that from me anymore (He'd realize that I didn't comment and would wonder why I didn't, but these days, he only shows faces when I comment, so why would I make him uncomfortable by commenting, eh!) I was happy to comment whatever came to my mind instantaneously during those days when I had no idea that he was actually posting those pics just so he could get some comments from me). Well, now that I know and also expressed my desire towards him, have I become any less wanted, or just cheaper and uninteresting!! Enough said and done, this is a topic for another day.
Good night you guys!
