Waiting for the call that I'm supposed to be receiving today, from a dear friend (!?) of mine, who has been busy with family n friends when I tried to get in touch yesterday and promised to call me today (of course!).
When people say that they'd call, they do call, isn't it? At least, he does... well, mostly! But, what happened today when I need him the most?
As I keep wondering why he couldn't call, I also wonder if I can ever be mad at him for not keeping his word this time! I'm sure he has a good enough reason when he doesn't call back as he promises. Besides, I had told him that it's nothing important. So, it's not fair that I even expect him to call today, when there's several other people and stuffs that need his attention!
But, I've been desperate; desperate to hear from him, tell him all that I've been going through. And I'm certain, he knows that as well (Assuming I still crossed his mind amidst everything else that he must be involved in:-/). He doesn't forget what he says:-( Makes me angry even more to think that he must've discarded those thoughts!
On the other hand, everytime I think of what I'd tell him, I do realize that none of those interests him any bit. He could only patiently listen (with a slightest hint of disinterest) to my blabberings, and smile if he needs to!!
You know, going over these again and again in my mind only makes me crazy... and frustrated. I'm even mad at him (at least I'd like to think so :-)), but then, what's the point! It wouldn't mean anything to him, for he doesn't react to such silly stuffs anymore (such reactions are silly to him I realize!). He'd reason it out and be so very understanding that he'd not even react :/ Wouldn't that drive you nuts :@ Oh, I'm already going mad!
Can we not go back to those times, when you could get hurt if I told you that I'm mad at you, and then, you could try and do all that you can, to make up for missing out on that call you promised :-) And make an effort, struggle a little bit and make more promises before you could make me smile once again :-)) What a crazy thought...!
You know, what I really feel like doing, is to send you a note that I hate you (not really, and you know that) as you had forgotten all about me and how much I had needed your time, rather, you, around me, as I'm going crazy by minute. I had wanted to tell you that I had been waiting for you to come over n hold me, and tell me that it is going to be alright. You've told me so several times, but I may need to hear that from you another thousand times before I come to believe that (I guess!)
Somewhere in the back of my mind, I'm still fighting with myself about how good or bad a person that I'm today. I didn't want to believe you when you kept telling me that I am indeed a good soul. I had so wanted to resist that thought from reaching my mind, for I was forcing me to hurt myself. But, I must admit that it's one of those few things that makes me come out of my shell and smile a bit every now n then :-) before I sink back in my World again!
Silly me!!! (And I can hear you say that that's not silly :-/)
So, here I'm, waiting for you, but when you call, I'd like to ignore those calls at least a few times, to make you realize that I'm angry. But then, would you even attempt to call a second time??!
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