Conflicts -- Dreams and Reality!

It is raining outside
    -- gentle enough to caress you!
The slight breeze tries to tickle your mind!
And the smell of the Earth
    -- to relax your mind and warm you up to your dreamland!

Oh yes! I've got to be smiling and enjoying this beautiful weather with a cup'o hot coffee and some spicy snacks!!

What a lovely evening this should've been!

But I'm freaking out in my mind!
 For the reality is conflicting with my dreams!!
I wanna float with the wind
  but the heaviness of my heart drags me down!
There's my dream boy waiting to hold me as always
  but I feel too huge to be even held!
He tries to turn me around so he could kiss me

    -as he always wants to

but the soreness in my mouth makes me keep him afar from me!
I can see he is too unhappy
  but I can't seem to stop the reality conflicting with my dream!

I try to tell him that I'm alright
  but my eyes reveal the truth as always
He grows sad that I can't let him closer to me
  -- never closer to me yet he never leaves my side!

Oh! Isn't he also the one conflicting with the reality
  for the lover boy in the reality never stayed this longer with me!?

Aren't you my friend!

Aren't you my friend? You told me so, one day, and I'm still counting on it. You may not have meant it and may not have imagined that I'd hold on to that word so much, but I do. Well, I had to talk to someone and everyone seems to be too busy so I've chosen to talk to you today for I won't know where you are and what you do right now! You might be busy as well for all I know, but hey, you are the only one that I recall telling me that you are my friend so let me speak my mind to you!

Sultry Nights!

Warm summer night and 
    it's sultry in and out!
What can I say now for
    I'm in the same boat as yesterday!
 Try to sleep through my sufferings
    But wake up to the bites of the little creatures!
    
Just the beginning of the next day I realize
    -- And never easy to get back to sleeping again!
Easy to put me to sleep
    --if only my hormones slept a little!
    

Spare me a moment for I'd like to sleep a little I ask, 
    and I hear them giggle for they haven't had a stopper yet!
    
Worse as it gets, I lay as a log burning within!

Thoughts do their duty
    -- adding fuel to the fire
And I can't move a muscle 
    for I'll wake those around!

Laying as a log I'm told once
    -- And it was true then
For I had known nothing but pain
    -- When he tries to get to me!

Emotions swirl through me but I lay as a log 
    -- lest I'd shake him off, much to his dismay! 

Never did he realize that 
    -- all that was left in me was anger and bitterness
    -- feeling naked and clothed in shame 
    -- and screaming within to explode in anger 

Why do I recall those nights 
    -- that had left me in pitiful and shameful state
Is that what I go through once again
    -- with none but me to deal with it???

A drive thru the memory lane with a (not-so) stranger!

An usual mundane Saturday night, and I had been listening to songs and happily singing (or screaming to anyone that hears me... haha) away. 
Playing songs at random, I've been enjoying the last few songs that my player picks up. And here I am, smiling all through this song (Enakkoru Aasa by Teejay), and suddenly it dawns on me that I haven't enjoyed singing and smiling like this in a while. So, I start wondering when I was last so happy listening to songs like this...

May be a few times here in my room, but I recall the day that I had been on a short (really short) road trip (to nowhere) with someone I had then just known! 

Well, he is not a total stranger but he wasn't someone I had known well enough to go on a road trip either. We had just met and that was probably our second or third meet? (God, I forget things so easily, anyways, not very relevant so I forgive you lady for that!). How I came to trust him so soon is a topic for another day but there I was, going for a drive without a second thought. 
We were listening to songs then, and realized that both of us liked the same kind of songs, and we like to sing, and enjoy them better when we sing along :) [I swear I actually sing, but people hear it differently...haha]. And to our surprise, we started talking (you know what about) and in no time, we were laughing out about us :) We were so much alike  emotionally (put me in his shoes, I'd have replicated his behaviour). The more he spoke, the more it felt like I was seeing myself. Like there was another soul that experiences similar life instances, and that thinks and likes and smiles for same reasons. It was an overwhelming feeling to realize that you can relate to someone so much like this, and vice versa.

That was a day with no agenda and no plan whatsoever, but left me (and him) with so much happiness, singing and driving away with no destination in our minds, talking about us, eating whatever we liked (oh yes, he is a foodie too) and sometimes wondering where exactly we were going!


PS: Wonder how a totally unrelated song can lead you into a stream of thoughts and leaves you with a smile!

Go back in time, can we?

Waiting for the call that I'm supposed to be receiving today, from a dear friend (!?) of mine, who has been busy with family n friends when I tried to get in touch yesterday and promised to call me today (of course!).
When people say that they'd call, they do call, isn't it? At least, he does... well, mostly! But, what happened today when I need him the most?

As I keep wondering why he couldn't call, I also wonder if I can ever be mad at him for not keeping his word this time! I'm sure he has a good enough reason when he doesn't call back as he promises. Besides, I had told him that it's nothing important. So, it's not fair that I even expect him to call today, when there's several other people and stuffs that need his attention!

But, I've been desperate; desperate to hear from him, tell him all that I've been going through. And I'm certain, he knows that as well (Assuming I still crossed his mind amidst everything else that he must be involved in:-/). He doesn't forget what he says:-( Makes me angry even more to think that he must've discarded those thoughts!

On the other hand, everytime I think of what I'd tell him, I do realize that none of those interests him any bit. He could only patiently listen (with a slightest hint of disinterest) to my blabberings, and smile if he needs to!!

You know, going over these again and again in my mind only makes me crazy... and frustrated. I'm even mad at him (at least I'd like to think so :-)), but then, what's the point! It wouldn't mean anything to him, for he doesn't react to such silly stuffs anymore (such reactions are silly to him I realize!). He'd reason it out and be so very understanding that he'd not even react :/ Wouldn't that drive you nuts :@ Oh, I'm already going mad!

Can we not go back to those times, when you could get hurt if I told you that I'm mad at you, and then, you could try and do all that you can, to make up for missing out on that call you promised :-) And make an effort, struggle a little bit and make more promises before you could make me smile once again :-)) What a crazy thought...!

You know, what I really feel like doing, is to send you a note that I hate you (not really, and you know that) as you had forgotten all about me and how much I had needed your time, rather, you, around me, as I'm going crazy by minute. I had wanted to tell you that I had been waiting for you to come over n hold me, and tell me that it is going to be alright. You've told me so several times, but I may need to hear that from you another thousand times before I come to believe that (I guess!)

Somewhere in the back of my mind, I'm still fighting with myself about how good or bad a person that I'm today. I didn't want to believe you when you kept telling me that I am indeed a good soul. I had so wanted to resist that thought from reaching my mind, for I was forcing me to hurt myself. But, I must admit that it's one of those few things that makes me come out of my shell and smile a bit every now n then :-) before I sink back in my World again!

Silly me!!! (And I can hear you say that that's not silly :-/)

So, here I'm, waiting for you, but when you call, I'd like to ignore those calls at least a few times, to make you realize that I'm angry. But then, would you even attempt to call a second time??!

Yet another Sunday!

It’s past 10pm and I’m trying to remember the movie I was watching this morning! Wow, how can I forget it so soon! Hmm… I vaguely recall that I was watching it for the first time, which is unlike most weekends, when I end up watching bits and pieces of a movie that I may have watched (again, in bits and pieces ) more than once! Oh yes, it’s Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone! See, I got it, my memory is getting better these days… LOL :D 

Woke up late this morning, and ended up cancelling my plans for shopping (or window shopping) at FBB / Fab India, only because I was watching the Harry Potter movie! And I was watching, I started wondering why I didn’t want to watch these movies earlier, thought they’d be a lot scarier may be! But I loved this little Harry Potter guy, hez very cute and acts like a pro! His emotions seem very genuine, so are most of the characters’! Every character plays their role very well, and the actors seem hand-picked for their role! Everything you’d like to experience is in there -- friendship, care, affection, hatred, vengeance, arrogance, empathy, fear, curiosity, suspense and what not!). No wonder kids and elders love these movies alike! I’ve got to watch all of Harry Potter’s! 

Let’s see, what else did I do today? Had my breakfast, rather brunch early afternoon, I had made dosas and had ‘em with potato curry that mom had prepared last Thursday! It tasted good despite being 3 days old :) And a handful of paneer 65 that I had bought from Sangeetha (restaurant) yesterday!! Wish I hadn’t packed it at all, their portion are way too much for one! I’m going to be killed having all these by myself :/ 

And then, I ended up dozing off while reading through FB posts. 

I couldn’t bear not having gone out today, didn’t want to get back into the habit of being home all-day, so I quickly dressed up for a walk late evening and went to the park  (really, I did :D)) Hoped it would rain, but only a little until I returned back home :P I was imagining that there’d not be many out there as it seemed like it could rain anytime, but I was wrong! The park was overflowing with people of all ages. Yeah, and most of them, youngsters surprisingly! Every bench out there was occupied, some by elders, some by those that had accompanied their kids or expectant moms (is that what they are called), but mostly couples, definitely unmarried, seeing the level of romance going on out there :D I could only smile at those; the older me wanted to tell them to go find another place for all this, but the younger me told me to simply ignore and go my way. After all, have I not been there and know what it means to be love-struck (is that what it is, really! Anyways... it’s a sin to be troubling lovers in the park… heehehe, so I go my way merely smiling to myself, and having them wonder why I do so :D

I spent exactly half hour walking in the park! Some areas were stinking worse than the others, so there I was, wishing as always, that the surrounding areas be cleaned up! And how nice it would be, to be in that open park, if only the waste water wasn’t getting flushed into the surrounding areas! Hmm, lot of wishes, and wishes they are! 

I wasn’t always thinking of all these as I strolled through the park, I was also listening to songs, and sooo wanted to dance to the beats! I’d dance merely with my hands every now n then as I walked (and my hips & shoulders ever so slightly so as not to be noticed.. haha :D) I just can’t control my urge to dance when I’m happy and listening to songs… :D I often imagine myself dancing through the pathway in that park, and wonder what it’d feel like! Will I have people around dancing with me or mere audiences, so I would think….! Oh well, I’m not a dancer, so I may only have people watching me as if I’m a weirdo!

And I came back home by 6.50pm or so, had my homeo medicines that I had started on yesterday! Had plans to dine at UDH, but changed my mind as I was watching the movie “The Holiday”! Again, I was watching it for the very first time, it’s one of those feel-good movies! It’s a beautiful movie, of two people of two different countries that exchange places, just so they can escape reality even if it’s for couple of weeks, as they are going through break-ups. And this short vacation changes their lives forever! This is the story in short, but you’d fall in love with this movie, if you can relate to those characters! The love story of Amanda (Camerin Diaz) is so cute, and the English guy she falls for (Jude Law) is just adorable. Isn’t he attractive?! 

I don’t know what’s with me and guys! Find quite a number of them so attractive – thankfully, they are all in the movies and none are in walking in my real World… :D! Wonder what’s really so attractive about them – Is it their language or accent, or their eyes, or height or their physique or is it merely the emotions around the character they play! Anyways, that doesn’t matter, for I fall in love with them as the movie progresses, and it ends with the movie, or may be shortly after that! And that love doesn’t come back until I watch one of those movies again… so I guess that’s alright, isn’t it… hahah :D You’ve got to be in my shoes to realize what I feel when I feel ‘em. It’s just beautiful, even it doesn’t last for longer, and that’s okay! Isn’t everything temporary in this World!

Ok, so, what I was saying is that, both the story lines in the movie are beautiful, and it is a good watch! If you don’t like this movie, let me know, I’ll suggest another one for you :o) 

Oh wait! Amidst my love for this movie (or really the characters ;)), I forgot to mention another blissful moment! If not for crazy love, what else can it be for a foodie  Yes, I got to have half of Theobroma (an Italian dessert) I had bought yesterday at The Summer House Eatery  It was so yummy that I started to think that I should go to the restaurant once and have it fresh as it should taste a lot better  An Italian dessert, Theobroma or Tiramisu, and few romantic songs (tamizh please) and I could have myself transported to a romantic Island wherein my heart would roam freely enjoying the Sun, the beach and the surrounding greens so blissfully!

So, now, my day ends here with me telling you the story of my day from dawn till dusk  I still feel fresh, could be the emotions that I got reminded of, as I skimmed through the day’s activities!! Or may be because I slept a but this afternoon :D Whatever it is, I’m glad I got to write today, after ages :) Love you!